Losing control

Last week I was a mess.

Truth be told, I’m always a mess. But last week was worse than normal.

I lost it – completely and throughly lost it.

This summer has been a very emotional as I have been unpacking baggage from both the near and distant past. Combined with a change of routine and lack of sleep, I exploded. Multiple times.

I found myself so low that all my words were gone. I did not think that this post would happen. Last week, I figured this post would be a brief notice saying that I was taking a break for a few months.

The feeling of losing control is not fun. In my case, I feel like I am losing control of my life, which is what caused me to lose control of my actions.

The bad part is that I don’t know how to process my out bursts. I also destroyed some of the relationship building I had been attempting to under take.

In addition to losing it, I now feel as if I have given up. What is the point of continuing to attempt to control if I’m still going to lose everything?

I really feel like I should have some deep theological thing to say to answer my own question. But I don’t. I have nothing but pain and anger.

All I can hope is that God will continue to help me sift through my feelings and come to a better understanding of myself, Himself and those around me.